A Mate For Seth Read online

  “Yeah. He invited me out for dinner tonight.”

  “Cool.”

  “Said the group was going.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I heard too.”

  She internally rolled her eyes at herself. Apparently fishing for information wasn’t her strong suit. “Are you gonna be there?”

  His eyes shot to hers. “No. I’m volunteering at Jackson’s animal hospital tonight. Something I do every month or so.”

  “Okay. Well. See you later, then.”

  She jumped off the porch, passed him, and then turned around.

  “And thank you for mowing my lawn, you really don’t have to do that.”

  “I know, Sarah. I like doing things for you.”

  “Okay,” she repeated, back to square one on figuring him out, and turned to jog away.

  ***

  Dinner with Kaya, Nat and Raph was really fun, though Sarah couldn’t help but wish that Seth were there with them. Nat was hilarious and goofy and she and Raphael seemed to understand one another on a level that only lifelong buddies could. And Sarah really liked Kaya. They’d had a lot of fun the other day at the archery range. Sarah hadn’t been able to bring herself to shoot at all, but she’d enjoyed coaching Kaya, who was strong and determined, but had the aim of a blind elephant.

  They’d gotten quite a kick out of it, in fact, and hadn’t stopped laughing the entire time. They laughed a lot that night as well. And Sarah went home happy.

  She was determined that the next day, she’d sort things out with Seth. Clear the air. But the next day, she didn’t see him. She went down to Eldora to help with some pre-season setup and when she got home that night, his truck was gone from his driveway. There was a cardboard box on her porch, though, and when she opened it, she saw that Seth had baked her a lasagna and made muffins.

  “Is this love lasagna or guilt lasagna?” she asked the air, completely acknowledging how nutso she sounded. She invited Aunt Lynn over to have dinner with her, which kept Sarah from feeling lonely, but not from feeling confused.

  And so the week went on. Whenever Sarah was completely determined to hammer things out with Seth, he did something else completely sweet and confused the heck out of her. Casserole one night, potted plants for her front porch two days after that. It was when she came home from a long run to see that her car had been washed that she really lost it.

  “Okay, that’s it.”

  It had been a week since they’d kissed and Sarah had completely had it. It was going to make her insane to stay in this nebulous between-space. Despite all the incredibly kind things he’d done for her, she’d yet to really see Seth. They hadn’t even addressed the fact that they’d made out like star-crossed lovers. And frankly, this wasn’t good for her blood pressure.

  She went inside, threw her sweaty clothes directly into the washer and raced through a shower. She was just sliding into some yoga pants when she heard a noise downstairs.

  That sneaky, confusing asshole was dropping off food for her again, she just knew it! And she also knew that he was going to be gone before she got down there if she didn’t move quickly.

  Knotting her wet hair on the top of her head, Sarah bounded down the stairs and into her kitchen, just in time to catch Seth exiting through into her living room.

  “Seth!”

  He froze and turned around, that smile on his face.

  “Hey.”

  “What’s going on?” she asked, her eyes resting on the tin-foil-covered Tupperware he’d just placed on her countertop.

  “Not much. I went for a hike today, hung out with my brothers and this guy who is… renting a room at my mom’s house. What about you? What’s going on?”

  So, they were playing this game? The nothing-much game? Could it get any more awkward than that?

  “Nothing much. I spent the morning at Eldora helping to prepare for the season, and then I went for a run.”

  “Cool.” He cleared his throat. “All right, have a good night, Sarah.” He turned and started to walk away.

  “Seth,” her voice stopped him. “What the hell is this?”

  She pointed viciously at the Tupperware on her countertop, but it was clear that she meant the question on a cosmic level as well. She’d had it up to her ears with pretending awkwardly like they hadn’t kissed and didn’t have yet to talk about it. She’d had it up to her ears with passively accepting his gifts without really understanding why he was giving them. And most of all, she’d had it up to her ears wondering if they were ever gonna kiss again. If they weren’t, she just wanted to know so she could get on with her life.

  A trepidatious, intelligent look crossed his face and Sarah understood instantly that he knew what she was really asking. He knew she was pointing at the food but asking about their lives. Apparently, he chose to play the fool.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Seth inwardly sighed as he stared at Sarah’s face. Her forthright expression, the lack of patience on her face, she was finally doing what he’d known she’d do the whole time. She was making him explain what the hell was going on. He just really wished he didn’t have to. Hoping to throw her off the scent, he pretended she was just talking about the food. It made it so much easier if he could feign ignorance. “It’s turkey chili and homemade bread. I thought you’d like it.”

  “I’m not talking about the food.”

  He sighed as he stood in the door frame. He couldn’t help but feel that lingering in the doorway was a metaphor for his situation with her. He needed to leave her behind for her own good, but he so didn’t want to. He couldn’t decide if he should stay or go. “I know.”

  “So, what the hell is it?” She gestured to the food, to him, to herself. “Is this flirting? You put together my entire house, you mow my lawn, you make me dinner three times a week. You wash my car. Are you courting me, Seth?” She paused to read his expression. He wondered what she saw there. The idea of courting her lanced through him in a pleasurable, yet depressing, spike. He wanted to do that. He wanted to badly. He wanted to take her to movies and make her dinner and make out at the end of a date. But he couldn’t, and he knew he couldn’t.

  Her face sobered as she watched him. “Or are all of these guilt gifts? You kissed my brains out my ears but you didn’t like it and now you feel guilty? Is that it? You regret it?”

  He stiffened. “No! God, no. You have to know that’s not the case, Sarah.”

  Her face was set but not angry. “Actually, I don’t really know anything. I’m confused. You’re the most generous, most giving person I’ve ever met and it confuses me. Are you doing these things for other people, too? I’m just reading too much into it?”

  He took a deep breath, grappling for a way to explain this without telling her too much. “You know I volunteer. I like to be helpful. I give as much as I possibly can. It’s who I am. But… no. I’m doing more for you than I do for other people.”

  She shifted from one foot to the other. “Why? Just tell me the truth. I don’t even really care what the answer is. I just want to understand.”

  He wanted to tell her the truth. The real truth. The whole shebang. And that scared the shit out of him, because the one rule that he and his brothers had lived by their entire lives was that this was a secret they were never, ever allowed to tell. Suddenly, standing there in Sarah’s kitchen, with that look on her face and her wet hair all knotted high on her head, Seth actually felt the weight of the secret on his shoulders. For the first time, he understood just how hard it was to carry something like that for your whole life. The rest of his life spanned out before him and he wondered how tired he’d be by the end of it.

  Bauer zapped into Seth’s brain and he suddenly understood the old man in a new way. Why he was so rude. So abrupt. So bitter.

  Because a secret like this, one that isolated you from people you loved, it twisted a person. Changed him. This wasn’t something Seth could keep a lid on forever with no repercussions. If he kept this secret forever, it was just going to bend hi
m out of shape, change him, leave him unrecognizable.

  But the real question was, would he take that burden on in order to protect Sarah? Because telling her was akin to jail time for her. If he told her the whole truth, she would be faced with a terrible decision. Turn him and his brothers in to the authorities or risk being an accomplice in the crime he committed every single day by living his life unregistered.

  If he was ever found out, and his life was investigated, they would interrogate every single person he’d ever known. Sarah would be on that list. If she knew his secret, she would either be forced to lie in a court of law or tell the truth and face jail time.

  He simply couldn’t do that to her.

  Keeping her in the dark was the only way he could protect her from himself, from what he was.

  But those amber eyes trapped him as they always did, her lovely face framed in her honey brown flyaways. And he knew he couldn’t lie to her either.

  Not about everything.

  So, he took a breath and told her as much of the truth as he could, hoping, praying, it would be enough to take some of the weight off of his soul.

  “The truth is… that kiss was the best kiss of my life. I can still feel it.” He lifted his fingertips to his mouth, without even really noticing. “I liked the project of helping you out with your house, Sarah. But I know now that I did it because I wanted to be closer to you. I’ve never met anyone like you. Even that first day on your porch, your mouth full of peanut butter, I thought, wow, I like her. It’s… chemical or something. I like you.” He lifted his eyes to her and made sure she heard the next part. “I want you.”

  She took a step toward him and he automatically took a step back. Her expression clouded again as confusion once more took over.

  “But…” he continued, hating each word as it came out of his mouth, “we can never be together in that way. I’m not built for relationships.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that shit, Seth. You’ve had like fifty girlfriends. Kaya and Nat told me all about you and your brother and your rotating door. I’m not judging you, at all. I’m just asking you to tell me the truth here.”

  Seth dragged a hand over his face and tried to think of a way to explain without leading her directly to the answer. She was a smart girl and he really didn’t want her to figure this out. “Sarah, I date women who I’ll have no trouble breaking up with. That’s pretty much my only criteria. And you don’t fit that criteria.”

  She lowered her brow in confusion or anger, he couldn’t quite tell. “You have this singular talent of complimenting me and insulting me at the same time.”

  “I’m not trying to insult you!” He was really botching this, but to be honest, he didn’t think there was really a way for him to have not botched it. It was just going to suck. The end. “Sarah, I’m trying to tell you that I think you’re fucking perfect. And that’s why I can’t date you. Because I already know that I’ll just keep wanting more. With you, I’d want… everything. And I’m not built for that. I wasn’t born to be able to have that with someone.” His words were getting choppy as he struggled for a way to explain without really explaining.

  She stared at him, her eyes looking fiercer than he’d ever seen them look before. “So, to sum up, you have some serious confidence issues, thinking you’re not good enough for love or something like that. And you do all this nice shit for me, mow my lawn, make me dinner because…”

  “Because I want you. But I can’t really have you.”

  “This makes no freaking sense!” She threw her arms up in the air and marched a small circle. “Why can’t you have me? I’m here! I’m willing! Though, actually, at the moment, I’m really pissed at you. But really, what’s the big deal? What aren’t you telling me? This is a free country, Seth. People can date other people without life-altering ramifications. I’m not saying we should get married. But I liked kissing you and I wanted to do it again and—oh.”

  She stepped back from him and one hand went to her mouth as she stared at him, wide-eyed.

  “What?” he asked, stepping forward for the first time. He was certain that something had just occurred to her and he was anxious to know what it was.

  “I get it. I’m such a dummy. Shit. No, I’m not dumb, I’m just inexperienced. I didn’t understand before. You know, I’ve never really dated anybody. And I was homeschooled for so long, traveling the world for competitions. But yeah, I should have understood.”

  “Sarah, understood what, exactly?” He strode up to her and gently took her by the shoulders. She just looked so… sheepish. He didn’t like it, it didn’t suit her at all.

  Then, just like that, the shutters went down on her vulnerability and she looked all put together again. As confident as always. “I’ve never really been let down easy before, Seth. When you were all ‘you’re fucking perfect, Sarah,’” she did a poor imitation of his voice that under other circumstances would have made him laugh, “I thought you meant it. But you say that to everybody you break up with, right? You tell them you want everything from them and then you give some vague and arbitrary reason as to why it can’t work? You can tell me, Seth, it’s okay. I’d rather know than not know.”

  He was dumbfounded. She’d gone and twisted everything and was hurting herself in the process. No, no, no. He couldn’t let it stand.

  The thing was, she was giving him the perfect out. The perfect way to cut this thing off at the pass. Hell, she was confident and self-assured enough that she’d probably be over him in a week. They could probably even go back to being friends.

  Every fiber of Seth’s being revolted against that idea.

  He dragged his palms down his face. “Sarah, I’m not sure what you’re hoping to hear right now, but I’ve never ‘let someone down easy’ in my entire life. I’m a true believer in the quick and clean break-up. I also have never, ever lied to someone while I was breaking up with them. Not even white lies about how special I think they are. Okay? I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. I want you—” he cut himself off when his voice got a little too smoky. He was attempting to break things off with her. Not seduce her. “I want you very much. In a different world… where I was inherently different, I’d want to start something with you.”

  She pursed her lips and then her brows. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him through squinting eyes. He couldn’t help but laugh and reach out to smooth a thumb over her forehead.

  “Your distaste for me right now is shriveling you up like a raisin,” he told her, manually uncrossing her arms and dropping them to her sides.

  She finally cracked a small smile. “All right. I guess I believe you about how much you like me. Because, after all, I’m pretty freaking awesome.”

  He grinned. He loved that she could say that about herself and truly mean it. It was a kickass quality to have.

  “But the rest of it,” she continued, “doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.”

  Seth sighed, his smile fading. He looked down and frowned. Somehow, when he’d uncrossed her arms, he’d ended up lacing fingers with hers. They held hands, creating a circle, a protected area between the two of them where the rest of the world was not invited. “Maybe, would you just trust me when I tell you that I wouldn’t be good for you?”

  “Would you trust me to make that decision on my own once I have all the information?”

  They stared at one another, neither of them backing down, but not dropping their hands either.

  “So, we have an impasse, huh?” he asked eventually.

  “Appears that way. Seth, I’m awesome and you’re awesome. I’m sure you’ve got your shit to deal with, we all do. I’m certainly not perfect. But whatever your secret, scary baggage is, I don’t think it needs to mean that this thing between us is dead in the water. Let it float for a little bit, see where it goes. If you start being bad for me, don’t you think I’d recognize that? Don’t you think I’d be capable of making the hard decisions when the time comes?”

&nbs
p; Well, when she put it like that… Seth blinked. He’d never quite thought of it that way before. That maybe it was a little misogynistic to assume that he knew what was better for her than she did. Because Sarah was one of the most outwardly capable people he’d ever met. She just wasn’t fragile. He had a lot to learn about her, but she just didn’t seem like someone who let life beat her down.

  But then reels of the local news that he and his brothers had been watching played in his head. Interviews with locals about the ‘shifter problem’. He’d seen the hatred that people had for shifters. He knew that most of the general public thought that shifters should be rounded up and registered, interned in camps where they’d be subject to study and chained up when they got too rowdy. He didn’t think that Sarah would feel that way, but who was he to guess about something like that? Something that important?

  No matter how much he wanted to, no matter how tempting she made it, he couldn’t fold on this issue. Her life could be on the line, his brothers’ lives. It wasn’t worth it.

  “Sarah… I can’t.” He dropped her hands. “You don’t understand. This is what’s best for everyone involved. I swear. You have to trust me on this. I have to step back.”

  She pursed her lips again and cocked her head to one side. “I suppose that’s your right.”

  He blinked at her, surprised that she didn’t have more to say on the issue.

  “Just like it’s my right,” she continued, “to try and convince you otherwise.”

  “What?” he asked, alarmed.

  She stepped forward and took him by the elbow. He stared down at her as she bustled him through the house straight out to her front porch.

  “Sarah—”

  “No, no,” she told him, reaching forward and straightening the collar of the shirt she’d just tugged out of place with all her bustling. “No more protesting. You’ve said your piece. Now, I’m just gonna see if I can’t change your mind.”

  “Sarah—” This time, it wasn’t her words that cut him off, it was her lips. She went up on her tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his, her hands firmly on the back of his neck. Absolutely zero percent of Seth fought the moment. He’d wasted all his arguing energy on words, and now his body had nothing left. His hands came up, flat against her back, and he held her flush against him, his head bent down to hers. She was a good seven inches shorter than he was, but still up on her tiptoes, their thighs were pressed flat together and her hipbones knocked into his.